Local Roots, Loyal Heart, Big Zoomies

By the Campaign’s Official Human Translator

After four tail-waggingly productive years in office, Mayor Michael FetchGerald, a nine-year-old vizsla and the first canine to lead the town of Benicia, is throwing his collar back in the ring.

In a press conference held on the First Street Green, FetchGerald barked passionately while wagging his tail in all directions. His human press secretary, Lucy, translated his key paw-licy positions while passing out Milkbones to those in attendance.

Top Priorities of the FetchGerald Campaign:

  • Leashes & Liberty

“We believe in freedom, but also in not terrifying joggers.”

Mayor FetchGerald is promoting a “Paws on the Pavement” campaign, encouraging responsible leash use throughout Benicia, in line with city ordinances. “There is a time and place for off-leash zoomies,” said FetchGerald through a translator, while tangled in his own leash. “That place is First Street Beach.” His administration will work to improve signage, provide more waste bag dispensers, and remind citizens that being a Good Boy (or Girl) includes respecting local leash laws.

  • Pawffordable Housing

“Every pup deserves a forever home with plenty of sun patches, couch access, and belly rubs.” 

His administration plans to work closely with Underdog Animal Rescue to match foster families with needy dogs and needy humans who are ready to meet their future best friend.

  • Sniff-and-Greet Diplomacy

“Bite less, wag more.”

FetchGerald vows to continue fostering diplomatic relations with neighboring towns. Including a recent controversial playdate with Vallejo’s feline mayor, General Meowriano.

  • The Squeaky Toy Stimulus

“To revitalize the local toy economy, we’re putting a squeaky in every mouth.”

Mayor FetchGerald proposes a monthly toy allowance for all canine citizens, redeemable at participating pet stores or under any couch. Special bonuses for those who destroy their toys in under 30 seconds.

  • Tail Wag Tuesdays

“We’re launching a citywide morale boost initiative.”

Every Tuesday, residents are encouraged to greet each other with enthusiastic tail wags, offer compliments like “You’re a very good human” or “Your coat looks extra shiny today,” and consider a mid-day nap on a sunny patch of sidewalk. 

  • Porch Paw-triol Program

“Because every neighborhood needs a nosy guardian with a great sense of smell.”

Mayor FetchGerald encourages citizen dogs to keep their porches secure by barking at leaves, mail trucks, and ghosts. Households that reach 100+ daily alerts will be honored with the Golden Paw Alarm Medal.

 

Scandals and Ruff Patches:

Though FetchGerald’s record is largely spotless (aside from that one time he did a full zoomie through a City Council meeting), critics have pointed to his excessive nap schedule and inability to hear his human when they’re asking him to do anything he doesn’t agree with. His rival, a Boston Terrier named Oliver, has accused him of “pandering to big dogs and ignoring the needs of small breeds.”

When asked for comment, FetchGerald responded by rolling over and presenting his belly, which we can only assume was a peace offering.

 

Closing Remarks:

Mayor FetchGerald’s campaign slogan remains: “Local Roots, Loyal Heart, Big Zoomies.”

Whether or not he secures another term, one thing is clear: Benicia will never forget the mayor who brought them together, one slobbery tennis ball at a time.